I've not been enjoying myself all these years, that's obvious.

Boy, the options have gotten so great.  Given the severity of the weather, even a die hard, devoted, all weather cyclist (spelled S-I-C-K) begins to think of alternatives to life.
 There seem to be many.  

Now you can Fredly pretend you are something entirely different than you are, by programming a Tour route into your trainer and muttering French as you enjoy your breakfast of Cliff bars and Gatorade gel.

Looking forward to spring, you will no longer have to worry that nobody will ride with you.  Your own private drone escort will lead you on like a personal trainer even though you ride like an idiot on the yellow line of winding mountain roads.  

The Nifty new drone from Fastcoexist. will be your friend even when nobody sensible will.

We no longer have to worry about getting lost.
 The Hammerhead

promises, with a  cryptic led display,  

to lead you to invisible bike paths.  

What! they've been  building bike paths and then hid them?

  Based on jet plane technology this obscene looking gizmo promises to make maps obsolete.  We definitely need, at 15 mph, to have momentary directions just like a jet pilot or we will find ourselves hundreds of miles off course. 

 I  didn't know I was lost all these years.

I'm throwing my maps away, they won't work anymore.  I cannot carry one in my pocket to leisurely peruse when I stop for a snack.  I must stuff them into an droid where only my hammerhead or drone can retrieve them.  Then I can work harder and longer without rest.  That's what fun is.